The Shattered Lands -or- Bully and Weenie Save the World
by Koko-chan1
Summary: The reikai tantei get lost. Kurama/Hiei, mentions of Kuwabara/Yukina. Crack and silliness. Third in the Harlequin series.


**A/N: No new warnings for this fic, save for zombies and the mention of something from a very old roleplay I once did with a friend. Other than that, enjoy!**

The Shattered Lands

-or-

Bully and Weenie Save the World

by Koko-chan and The Blue Spanch

ooooo

The sky was that clear, perfect blue of early autumn, with puffy white clouds sailing through it like ghostly ships. Yuusuke was in the proper position to admire this, as he was lying comfortably on his back on the roof of the school while his Mathematics teacher bored his classmates to death elsewhere. He'd just woken up from a particularly nice nap and was watching the pictures the clouds made. Just then, a face blocked out the view. "Hello, Yuusuke!" A familiar voice chirped.

"Hi, Botan." He said sitting up. "What's Koenma's problem this time?"

"He didn't tell me. He said it was a matter of national security and said the matter was classified. He wants me to take you all to a meeting with him in the Reikai as soon as school gets out, okay?"

"Why wait? I can go anytime." Yuusuke said with a smile. "When Koenma gets all self-important, it's bound to be good for a laugh or two."

"Kuwabara and Kurama are still in class, Yuusuke, and Kurama's the only one who can find Hiei at any given time. I'd rather take you all at one go, rather than one at a time. It's easier that way."

"Saves time, too. Okay. How 'bout we all meet in the park at four-thirty? That oughtta give everyone enough time to get their stuff dropped off at home."

"That's fine. I'll go tell the others. See ya later!"

"Bye."

ooooo

Yuusuke and Kuwabara ambled into the park a little early. "What d'you think Koenma's up to now?" Kuwabara asked. It galled him sometimes that his boss was such an incompetent baby.

"Probably lost his pacifier." Yuusuke replied.

"Sounds like him." Kurama said, walking towards them out of the trees.

"Yeah." Kuwabara chuckled. "Where's Hiei?"

Kurama jerked his thumb at one of the trees. Sure enough, Hiei was perched in the top, looking cold and aloof as usual.

Botan arrived right on time, and Hiei hopped down from his perch. "Everybody here?" She chirped. "Good. Koenma-sama gets grumpy when he has to be patient, so let's go!"

She swept them into the strange pale blue-purple ether between worlds as she usually did on these errands, but this time, something went wrong. The ether rippled up and down the color spectrums, contorted into strange shapes, warped, faded, rang like a gong, and then split in eight dimensions at once. Botan burst out of the crazed nothing into Koenma's study and nearly fell over. "Wow!" She said. "That was a rough one! Are you guys okay? Guys? Where'd you go?"

"Ah, Botan," Koenma said, coming in. "You're here. Where are the Spirit Detectives?"

"Oh, Koenma-sama!" Botan wailed. "I was bringing them, but the way between worlds went all weird and I lost them!"

"Uh-oh." Koenma said. "I was afraid of this. It's getting worse."

"What is?!"

"The space between the three worlds has become very unstable; it's dangerous to travel through now. This kind of thing happens every few centuries or so, because there are certain significant star conjunctions that affect that sort of travel. This is happening now, but the fluctuations are far too violent to be just that. I was going to tell Yuusuke and the others to isolate the cause and put a stop to whatever is doing it, but it's a bit late now."

"Do you have any idea of where they are?" Botan asked anxiously.

"Let's see." Koenma said.

They went over to his desk and activated the view-screen; Koenma started flipping through the channels. "They're not anywhere in the Reikai," He muttered. "Or in the Makai. Nope, Nowhere in the Ningenkai, either."

"Check deep space!"

No luck there, either. Koenma fiddled with the controls, and came up with a static-filled and grainy picture of someplace unsettling. Kuwabara's familiar oxlike build could be just made out in all the noise. Then the picture went dead. Koenma sat back with a sigh. "Where are they, Koenma-sama?" Botan asked.

"Out of reach. I don't have any influence at all in the Shattered Lands. Not even my father can navigate those places."

Botan gasped in shock, eyes brimming. The Shattered Lands! Source of a million horror stories! "Is there anyone who can?" She asked.

Koenma thought about it for a moment. "The Piper, and Issola Stormtrigger. They rule the place, but I can't reach them. The Harlequin would be able to go there, too."

"That's no good, either." Botan said, completely unaware of the escapade that the Spirit Detectives had had with the God of Chaotic Silly; nobody had bothered to tell either Botan or Koenma about it. "He's hard to reach, and he probably wouldn't go. He doesn't know Yuusuke and his friends, and there's not much to laugh about in the Shattered Lands anyway."

"Oh, well." Koenma said. "Yuusuke's a fairly smart boy. He'll probably be able to think his way out of this mess."

ooooo

Somewhere else in space and time, Yuusuke was not feeling very smart at the moment. He was disoriented and uneasy, and he didn't know where he was. What he did know was that this place sucked roadsalt. The place was a study in the most dismal of greys and dull blacks, and a thin, chilly wind wailed like a lost soul through what were probably trees. It smelled of dust and decay here, and nothing grew but cobwebs and dry rot. The trees, the rocks, everything here except a still, greyish lake looked as though it had been constructed out of mummified corpses wrapped up in thousands of years' worth of spider webs. It gave the words "dismal", "morbid", and "gloomy" a whole new meaning. Other than the wind, it was silent, and the sky looked as though the sun had never touched it.

"This sucks." He said, summing up the whole situation.

"You said it." Kuwabara agreed, and then he noticed Hiei. "Hey, what's with the little guy?"

It was a fair indication of how Hiei felt that he let Kuwabara's 'little guy' crack slide without noticing it. Hiei was standing very close to Kurama and fidgeting; his ruby eyes flicked back and forth nervously, his trembling hand clutched his sword-hilt in a white-knuckle grip, and his breathing was harshly audible.

"I think we're in real trouble, guys." Yuusuke said softly. "When Hiei gets nervous, it's time to run for the border."

"Are you all right, Hiei?" Kurama asked, concerned.

"This is the Glen of The Damned. I've been here before." Hiei said in a strained voice. "When I was a child, someone sent me here to die. I nearly did. I still have nightmares of this place."

Kurama drew in a hissing breath. "So this is the Glen. I've heard about it. It's been here since the very beginning. They put all the really evil ones here- the souls that even deep space won't accept. How'd you get out, Hiei?"

"I don't know. I wasn't thinking very straight at the time."

"So." Said Yuusuke after some thought. "You think we might meet Yakumo and his Demon-god henchmen here?"

They all gave him a stunned look. "I want out of here!" Kuwabara moaned. "Oh, crap!"

Something was moving in the forest. Small sickly grey-green lights by the thousands appeared in the woods. As they moved closer, they saw that the lights were coming from the empty eyesockets of a multitude of the hungry dead. The tree-things and the rocks began to unfold and react to the presence of living beings. A wailing that spoke of terrible, mindless hunger rose from the cadavers in the grim twilight.

"Is there any chance of Koenma sending help?" Yuusuke shouted as the noise level rose.

"Not a chance!" Hiei said, chopping a grasping limb off of one of the tree-things. "We're in the Shattered Lands! Koenma has no power here!"

"Who does?" Kuwabara shouted, Rei sword flashing as the dead charged them en masse.

"Dunno!" Kurama called, Rose whip slicing a decaying monstrosity in half. "You'd have to have your brains in backwards to come here, anyway!"

Something occurred to them just then. They knew someone who not only owed them a favor, but definitely was backwards-brained and could go anywhere.

"Harlequin!" They all shouted at once.

There was a brilliant blue flash and there was suddenly not one, but three new participants in battle. One was familiar, a tall and athletic black-and-red joker-like person who danced through the crush, beheading corpses with a slender, bitter-sharp blade and a length of dental floss. The second newcomer was even taller than the Harlequin, a bright silver robot with triple-jointed legs, a set of long clawlike blades in each wrist, and a knack for martial arts. A head like an overlarge security camera fixed its single red ocular on Yuusuke in a hard gaze, nodded once in greeting, and then the robot shredded what had once been a demon of some sort. The third one was hard to describe at the moment; one could only get an impression of size, height, length, and destruction.

The horde of rotting dead wavered as the three new fighters tore into them, then broke and ran, wailing pathetically into the distance. Yuusuke and the others were finally able to get a good look at the third one that had caused so much damage among the damned. It was a monster. It stood ten feet high and was twenty-five feet long. Its hide was a glossy dark red, the color a shocking contrast with the sere greyness of the surroundings. Its face was skull-like and lipless, with huge faceted black eyes, two slits serving for a nose, and prominent jaws featuring a multitude of fangs. Its head was elongated in a backwards-facing crest, and five rows of silvery, triangular, razor-sharp spines began on its forehead and ended at the tail-tip. A long, sinuous neck connected the head with the first set of broad shoulders; the creature had a double torso- one growing out of the top of the other- and four long, powerful arms held oversized katanas in each eight-fingered hand. The long-waisted upper body sat on a third, more massive set of shoulders. The monster's body was far too elongated to stand fully upright, so it must go on four legs. The forelegs had obviously evolved from arms-they still had five fingers. Long flanks connected to powerful haunches, and then tapered, becoming a long tail, slender and flexible, that could and had acted as a lethal whip. Odd folded masses of flesh and bone coiled between the upper and lowest shoulders, and it wore a harnesslike garment of black leather. A luminously cobalt-blue stone was set into the harness in the center of the topmost chest. The monster smelled slightly of sweet spices, and soft, flutelike music seemed to follow it.

Still, for all its bulk, it moved lightly, as though gravity was a thing it obeyed only out of politeness, as it sheathed its swords and strode over to the rather high-strung Spirit Detectives. The Harlequin was already with them, wiping mummy gunk off of his sword with an old rag. The robot had retracted its fighting claws and stood passively to one side, a foot like a cloven hoof tipped up on its front edge.

"Hi, 'Quin." Yuusuke said, a little breathless. "Who're your -um- friends?"

"Greetings, Yuusuke." The Harlequin said, carnival music haunting the back of his voice as it always did. "Out of your territory, aren't you?"

"Yeah. Thanks for the save."

"Don't thank me, kiddo." The Harlequin gave them a rather embarrassed look. "I hate to admit it, but I can't navigate these parts any more than your average lemon. The fellow you should lavish effusive thanks upon is the big red one currently giving Hiei the hairy eyeball."

The 'Quin wasn't kidding; Hiei and the red monster were eyeing each other speculatively.

"Where are my manners?" The 'Quin continued. "I may have left them in my other cape. Anyway, folks, let me introduce my travelling companions. The big robot here is Vanguard, a free-roaming Delcronnaxian of the Journeyman class, whom I picked up in my wanderings."

"Hi there." The robot said pleasantly in a slightly metallic voice. "Pleased to meet you. By the way, most people just refer to me as 'Van'. Your stripey buddy here is in a formal mood, so don't be too surprised if he waxes eloquent when he introduces the red man."

The 'Quin was miffed. "My elephant does _not_ need waxing. I did that last week. And I am not in a formal mood. If I was _really_ feeling formal-"

"You would take even longer to get to the point." Van said shortly. "Kids, His Massiveness here is the Piper, co-ruler of the Shattered Lands, and one of the very few people that can actually find their way through this morass of split infinities."

Neither the Piper nor Hiei was paying any attention to any of this. Hiei was trying to figure out just why this monster seemed familiar to him, and the Piper was noting with approval that the half-dead fire-demon sprat that he had carried out of the Glen all those years ago had survived to teenagerhood.

Hiei reached a decision and drew his sword, settled in a fighting crouch, and gave the Piper a big toothy grin. The Piper took one look at Hiei's sword, snorted in disdain, and drew his own four katanas. " _Yaaah!_ " Hiei shouted, and sprang forward, sword flashing.

" _Whooop!_ " The Piper responded, meeting Hiei's attack and launching his own, and together their swords went _cling-cling-cling-cling-_ all over the Glen of the Damned.

"Hiei-!" Kurama said, starting after them, but stopped when he felt a metallic hand close on his shoulder.

"Don't panic, fox." Van said calmly. "They're just playing."

"Some game." Kuwabara said, watching as Hiei leaped over the lashing tail and aimed a slash at the long neck of his sparring partner. The swing was parried, of course.

"Believe you me, human, if the Piper wanted that firebaby dead, he never would have let him make the first strike. Don't even think about it, Harlequin."

The Harlequin had created a stack of banana cream pies and was aiming one at Van's head. "Aw, nuts." He muttered, and then flung his stock at an overly bold zombie.

Hiei had managed somehow to climb up the Piper's long back and began bonking the monster's head with the hilt of his sword. The Piper flinched, dropped a sword down to one forepaw, and pulled Hiei off of his upper shoulders. Undaunted, the dangling Koorime slashed at the Piper's elbow, forcing him to let go or lose half an arm. The two breathless fighters circled each other cautiously. "Fight me for real, you big weenie!" Hiei said, more than a little drunk on adrenaline.

" _Haschera'a_ , you bully!" The Piper rumbled, no less high.

They paused for a minute then, trying to make sense of what they had just heard. They had both been called a great many things by their adversaries, but it was a safe bet that Hiei had never been called a bully before, and an even safer one that the Piper had never been called a weenie. Hiei smiled almost shyly, and the Piper dropped his jaw in an approximation of a grin. "Bully!" The Piper said experimentally.

"Weenie!" Hiei responded.

Then they were off again. _Cling-cling-cling-cling-_ "Bully!" "Weenie!" _-cling-cling-cling-cling!_ And so on.

Yuusuke had been rattled badly all day by one weird event after another, and this was just too much. Kurama and Kuwabara couldn't help but notice that their team leader was on the verge of nervous breakdown. "What's wrong, Yuusuke?" Kuwabara asked.

"Bully!" The Piper bellowed from across the Glen.

"Weenie!" Hiei retorted, chasing after him.

"It doesn't wash!" Yuusuke wailed. "It just doesn't!"

"What?" Kurama said, genuinely baffled.

"In my experience, you do _not_ call a huge monster 'weenie' and get away with it, and Hiei is not a bully! He is an evil-tempered homicidal fire demon! Aargh!" Yuusuke toppled over onto the dirt. "I'm having a nervous breakout!"

"Breakdown." Kurama corrected soothingly, hauling him back to his feet.

"Whatever." Yuusuke grumped. "Get those two loonies over here, will you? I want out of here. Where's the Harlequin?"

"Playing 'Pie the Monster' over there somewhere." Kuwabara said, pointing towards the lake.

Van let out a piercing whistle that got everybody's attention. "Piper! Hiei!" He shouted. "Time to go, you lot. This one's starting to crack. Harlequin! You too."

"Humans." The Piper said with disdain as they sheathed their swords and came over. "No stamina. Ain't that so, Bully?"

"Right on, Weenie."

Yuusuke whimpered.

Seeing that his friend was out of commission for the moment, Kuwabara took the initiative. "We need to get back to the Reikai, Piper. Can you get us there?"

"Hmn." The Piper said, thinking. He then stepped back, and the odd masses of flesh and bone between his shoulders uncoiled, unrolled, straightened, and became four long wings that resembled a cross between those of a dragonfly and a pterodactyl. He fanned them gently and tipped his head forward so that the long crest was raised. The air around him rippled strangely, and their ears were filled with half-heard voices. The Piper recoiled his wings after a minute or two, and the rippling and voices stopped. "I can get you back there, but not directly. Interspace is an absolute mess right now. We'll have to go through several of the Shattered Lands, and perhaps clean out of this dimension altogether."

"You can do that?" Yuusuke asked.

"Certainly. Can't you?"

"All right, all right. I get the message. Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. Get us out of here."

The Piper chuckled deep in his chests. "Follow me." He said, and began to walk off.

As they did, there was a brief flash of blue, and everything was suddenly different. It was now a high mountain pass, where a greenish sun shone high overhead. They stopped a moment to get used to the thinner air. "What's this place?" Kurama asked.

"The Mountains of Unusual Flight." The Piper replied, sitting down.

"That's a weird name for a mountain range." Kuwabara said. "Why's it called that?"

"I think that's why." Yuusuke said pointing to something eastward.

They stared. Silhouetted against a large cloud, a herd of smallish rhinoceros climbed though the air towards a steep meadow on long, leathery wings. A loud rumbling above them made them look up. The Harlequin was vigorously scratching a young tiger with hawk wings behind the ears. The big cat was purring up a storm.

"Does everything living here fly?" Van asked, watching as the tiger rolled over and demanded a belly rub.

"Almost." The Piper replied as a mouse buzzed by like an oversized bumblebee. "The birds don't, and some bugs don't either."

"Weird." Muttered Kuwabara.

"Say what you like, man. This Land was very nearly part of the Ningenkai once."

"Really?" Kurama said, fascinated. "What happened?"

There was a yelp from above as the tiger decided to return the favor by washing the Harlequin's head.

"This place didn't fit right with the other mountains in the Ningenkai, so it was discarded."

"Discarded?" Kurama said, frowning. "I thought the Shattered Lands were made of pieces of destroyed worlds."

"The Shattered Lands only partially live up to their name." The Piper said, ignoring the commotion above them. "Yes, some of it is pieces broken off of destroyed worlds. There are still chunks of the Netherworld floating around, among others. The rest of it is forgotten bits; parts that were never added in, parts that wouldn't work, or places that lost their grip on the rest of reality. Some were deliberately blown off, such as the Glen of the Damned. Who would want that place as a neighbor? Most are accidents, some are places where reality has been mis-woven. Chinks in the wall, tears in the fabric. Whatever you call them, they are what they are."

"What a waste." Kurama said, dodging a falling rock.

"Not really." The Piper said, watching with amusement as the Harlequin distracted the big cat with a branch of catnip. "Some of these places are better off as they are. Besides, some great World-Builder might come along one day and use the Shattered Lands to build a proper world."

The Harlequin dropped down, slightly damp and thoroughly disgusted. "Cats." He muttered sourly. "I'm settled. Shall we move on?"

"Okay." Yuusuke said. He was feeling much better. Neither Hiei or the Piper had said anything unsettling.

"Right." The Piper surged upright and turned to Hiei. "Ready to head out, Big Man?"

"Ready when you are, Shorty." Hiei replied.

Yuusuke groaned.

They moved off in a blue flash again. They came out in what was presumably a city. It was rather hard to tell what anything was, under the layer of ochre dust that covered everything in a cloak of muddy yellow. There was a light but steady breeze that hissed dryly through the streets, and the dust storms it raised made visibility very poor, indeed. It was eerily quiet here. "This city looks like something right out of the Makai." Kurama said, brushing the dust off his shirt. "One of the wasteland towns."

"It used to be one, yes." The Piper said softly. "We call this place 'Yellow Season'. Way back in the way back, two Makai sorcerers had a duel here, and they destroyed each other despite the efforts the inhabitants made to stop them. The land soaked up so much uncontrolled power that it slipped away. It's been here ever since. The dust storms die down only at night, when it rains. People don't get out much, here."

"I can see that." Kuwabara said. "Don't they ever get any sun?"

"No." Van replied. "I stayed here once for three years with one who was both a friend and a responsibility. I never saw the sun even once."

"What happened to your friend?" The Piper asked. "After those three years, you left alone, Van. Both Issola and I keep track of these things."

Van sighed softly. "I don't know. I came back on line one evening and it was gone. I looked for it, but it left no traces."

"It?" Kuwabara asked.

"Hunter didn't have a gender. Its kind don't, as a rule."

ooooo

For a while there was no sound but the incessant hissing of the dust storm. Nobody spoke; this was not a place that encouraged noise.

A tall hooded shape suddenly loomed out of the ochre storm and seized Van's arm in an iron grip with a mottled grey-and-black gloved hand. Van was about to deck the newcomer, but stopped when he peered into the hood. "Just a moment, guys." Van said, and let the hooded one draw him aside.

Van's voice was only vaguely audible in the hissing of the storm, but they heard enough to realize that the language wasn't human. They couldn't hear the newcomer's voice, and weren't sure if it spoke at all. Finally, Van led it back to them. "Well, Piper, the mystery's been solved. I hope you won't mind if another decides to follow us."

"The more, the messier." Piper replied cheerfully. "That your missing buddy?"

"Yes. Guys, this is Hunter."

Van indicated the figure standing like a statue behind him, a figure draped in a coarse ocher-colored robe and hood that concealed it from head to foot. There was an aura of subtle menace hanging around it, nearly turning the air dark. It _loomed_. Hiei and Kurama shifted their weight warily; this thing's ki was all wrong.

The Piper spread his wings, fanned them in Hunter's direction and raised his crest again, and then refolded them sharply. "That thing's a Golganoth." He said shortly. "What're you doing running around with one of those killers?"

"It's an outcast." Van replied. "It sees me as sort of pack leader simply because I haven't tried to kill it. Hunter's got a picky appetite; it won't go after non-evil beings."

"Weird." The Piper said. "Weird but workable. What the hey, why not? It'll be worth it just to see the look on Koenma's face when we come through with it in tow."

"Hold on." Kuwabara said angrily. "I'm not travelling with any mystery monsters! Let's see what you look like- urk."

Kuwabara had strode forward aggressively and had grabbed at the hood. He was now dangling several inches off the ground. Hunter had seized him by the throat and lifted him up effortlessly, holding him in a grip just tight enough to strangle, but not tight enough to crush his windpipe. In doing so, Hunter exposed its arm up to the shoulder. Hunter was not wearing gloves.

"Let him go, Hunter." Van said. "He's on our side."

Hunter dropped Kuwabara, who sagged to the ground, gasping for breath. The Harlequin eyed the creature for a moment, and then shook his head. "Nah. This one, I'm not touching."

The Piper snorted and nudged the 'Quin. "Finally found one you can't mess with?"

"You have to have a mind to have a sense of humor. This guy has neither. Let's go."

As they continued on to the next Interspace point, Yuusuke fell in beside Hunter and began to study it speculatively. It ignored him. "I don't recommend it." Van said, appearing beside him out of a drifting cloud of dust.

"What?" Yuusuke said.

"Don't try to start a conversation or annoy Hunter in any other way. It only gives warnings once, and besides, it's mute."

"Sorry. I just wanna see what's under that poncho." Yuusuke said.

"Your inquisitive nature has done you credit in the past, I'd bet, but believe me, it's no good here. You're better off not knowing."

"Why? Hunter's got a face like a bug or something?"

"No. He's got no face at all, and that's much worse."

"That's bad?" Yuusuke was puzzled.

"Think of it this way. You're going home one night, and you hear this nasty, metallic laughter right behind you, and then this thing that looks just human enough to be recognizable slides out of the shadows. It's got no eyes, but it looks at you anyway. It's got no ears, but it hears your heart beating. It's got no nose, but it smells your fear. It has no mouth, but it laughs again, chilling your blood. You try to fight it as it reaches for you, but it can't be hurt. You try to run, but it's always faster. It latches on to your throat with a grip of cold-forged steel and slowly tears your heart out and crushes it with the other hand- CHKKKK!"

Kurama, Kuwabara, and Hiei had all ventured closer to Van and Yuusuke, curious. They jumped and shuddered at the horribly graphic sound that Van made, and looking at Hunter, tall as the Harlequin, grim and silent, they could believe every word.

"The last sound you hear is the laughter of a sated meat-grinder, the last thing you see is a faceless mask, featureless and cold." Van continued. "Now do you see why everybody's scared of them?"

"Oh, yes." Yuusuke said fervently.

"They feed on death energies, and the more violent the death, the better they like it. Generally, they'll kill anything that moves, but this one is a bit strange. It leaves the good guys alone. Its pack rejected it for that reason, and then it started following me around. Xenocidal monster or not, it's a great help in a fight."

"I can imagine." Kurama said uneasily. "Your enemies take one look at Hunter and run away screaming."

"'Fraid so." Van said. "Sometimes it had to chase them for hours. It cleaned this place out pretty thoroughly, which was probably why it left."

"Looking for fresh prey." Kuwabara said. "Nasty."

"How did it do that?" Kurama asked. I thought that only the Piper and Issola, whoever that is, could travel around between these Lands."

"Kurama, that I can't tell you." Van said rather wearily. "I can navigate here up to a point. How Hunter can, I have no idea. It thinks differently from the rest of us, so it's possible that it can do improbable things."

The blue flash of Interspace travel interrupted their discussion at that point, and they stepped out into a radically different world. It was night-time, and two crystalline moons spread their sparkling light out of a totally clear sky over a terrain that looked like a sea of glass. Huge, flawless crystal formations dotted the landscape, spilling silvery rainbows everywhere. The air was clean and sharp, slightly chill, and the gravity was somewhat lighter here. The group of travellers stopped to shake the dust of Yellow Season off of themselves. The Piper did just that, spreading long wings and fanning vigorously. A clump of ochre slid off of his shoulders, landing squarely on Hiei. "Hey! Watch it, Weenie!" He snapped.

"Shove it, Bully." The Piper replied, and fanned the dust off of him.

This time, they both noticed Yuusuke's anguished reaction. They grinned evilly, and began name-calling again, just to aggravate him. "Bully!"

"Weenie!"

"Bully!"

"Weenie!"

Kurama was not happy at all about this. Hiei had never been this open -this trusting!- to anyone, not even him. He was starting to become very jealous, and even more afraid that the little Koorime would divert his attentions to the Piper, and forget about him entirely. What could Hiei see in that scarlet monstrosity? How could he?

"How far is it to the next Interspace point?" He cut in, rather grouchily.

"Just beyond that crystal formation. The one that looks like a big octopus."

"Race you there!" The Harlequin shouted, and tore off towards the distant landmark.

Kuwabara and Yuusuke, glad for the diversion, lit out after him. Hiei followed a second later, with the Piper breaking into a rolling gallop beside him. Kurama, Van and Hunter followed, coursing silently behind the rest. Halfway there, the 'Quin changed his mind, struck Yuuske a light blow on the shoulder, shouted: "Tag! You're it!" And sprinted off in another direction.

Perhaps it was something in the air that made them silly in this moonlit Land, or perhaps it was the reduced gravity; whatever it was, both Yuusuke and Kuwabara took the 'Quin up on it. Hiei and the Piper started sparring again, only this time it was less of a battle and more of a dance. Kurama swallowed hard, eyes brimming. Distractedly, he remembered his nine-tailed cousin Koko, who ran a tavern in the Makai. " _If the Piper ever sets up shop in the Makai, you are out of a job, little cousin._ " He thought sadly.

The Piper had a face that only a mother could love, but the way he moved! All swordsmen had grace- they had to. This monster had wielded four swords at once for centuries, and it showed. Oh, gods, how it showed. Nothing that big should be able to move like that.

Kurama turned his face away, trying to hide angry tears. Hunter appeared suddenly at his side, reached for him and snickered. It was a disgusting sound, high and metallic, and hungry. Kurama jerked away, suddenly afraid. Then Van was there, knocking aside Hunter's grasping arm and stamping aggressively, metal foot striking sparks and causing a ringing note that pierced the ear. Hunter flinched and backed off, going silent again.

"Sorry about that." Van said contritely. "Hunter's very sensitive to negative emotions. What's wrong?"

"Them." Kurama said, pointing at Hiei and the Piper.

"What about them?" Van said, genuinely confused. Then he took a closer look at Kurama. "Oh, dear. You and Hiei are involved, aren't you?"

"We were." Kurama said with such bitterness that Hunter shifted its weight eagerly.

To Kurama's surprise, Van started laughing. "What's so goddamn funny?!"

"Youkai!" Van sputtered. "You revile humans, and yet you are so very like them. Stay right here." The robot loped off in the fighter's direction, leaving Kurama to stand there puzzled, with only a mindless killer for company.

"Don't even think about it." Kurama snapped at Hunter, who was watching him again.

Van returned with Hiei and the Piper, and led them all behind a crystal formation. "What's this all about, Van?" Hiei growled, annoyed about having his sparring match interrupted.

"We need to clear up a problem." Van replied. "Kurama here believes that you are falling in love with the Piper."

Stunned silence. Kurama's face turned bright red.

Piper and Hiei looked at each other, and then at Kurama. "Stupid fox." Hiei said.

The Piper, however, burst into peals of laughter, only stopping when he ran out of breath. "Oh, that's too much!" He gasped. "Van, would you explain it to them, please? Kurama looks as though he's about to explode."

"To note:" Van began in a lecture voice, stepping forward. "Koorimes and Pipers are totally incompatible. The first consideration is size. Hiei is under five feet tall, while Piper here hits his head on the doorframe and then catches his tail in the door as a matter of habit.

"The second point is strength; your average Koorime is a tough little bastard -put that sword _down_ , Hiei- but look at this." Van indicated the Piper's long flanks. "Solid muscle. If he lost control, he'd crush you.

"The third point of interest, or rather lack thereof-" Van slapped the Piper's rump. "No external genitalia whatsoever. I could describe just what goes on between the sexes of his species on Saturday nights, but this is a PG-rated fanfic.

"The fourth consideration is that all, and I do mean all, of the Piper's bodily fluids are both corrosive and lethally poisonous. If you try, you die.

"And lastly, the fifth and most important point of all is that the Piper already has a girlfriend. Yes, Kurama, he is thoroughly involved with her, and respects her greatly. In fact, what he respects the most is that if she ever found out that he was fooling around on her time, she'd come right down here and rip off his- well, never mind."

This time the Piper blushed- bright purple. "Issola." He murmured. "She would do that, wouldn't she?"

"Feel better now, Kurama?" Van asked.

Kurama grabbed Hiei in a huge bear hug. "Mine!"

"Urk! Kurama, I need those ribs!" Hiei gasped.

"How is Issola, anyway?" Van said, politely ignoring Kurama as he plastered Hiei's face with kisses.

"She's fine. By the way, that pump design worked wonders! Hot running water does marvellous things for her temper." The Piper replied, trying very hard not to stare at the lovers.

An uproar started somewhere on the other side as a fight of some sort broke out between the three other team members. A banana-cream pie suddenly sailed over the crystals and landed on Van's head with a splat. "Why don't we go join Yuusuke and the others?" Piper said diplomatically.

"That sounds ideal." Van replied flatly, cracking his knuckles.

So, off they went, leaving Kurama and Hiei to cement their affections.

The Harlequin had started a massive pie fight. He, Yuusuke, and Kuwabara were already plotched all over with varying kinds of fruity goo when Van and the Piper joined in. Van, being basically a machine, had pin-point accuracy with his throws, and Piper had four arms and a broad sense of humor. By the time that Hiei and Kurama had finished reassuring each other, they could only tell the others apart by size and shape; they were coated head to foot in pie stuff. Hunter, who hadn't even joined in, looked like a pillar of whipped cream. Some joker had put a little maraschino cherry on top to complete the image.

Kurama couldn't help himself. He doubled over laughing, and even Hiei had to smile. "Stupid everybody." He muttered and leaned against Kurama.

Van was holding the last pie- a great big boysenberry one. With great ceremony, he walked over, split the pie in half, and got both of them in the face.

Kuwabara fell over howling with laughter as Hiei gave Van a poisonous look. Hiei's sword flashed out, aiming straight for Van's midsection. Van didn't bother to block the slash. The sword struck the silver carapace, and then shattered, causing Hiei to curse and step back, vigorously rubbing the life back into his numbed arm. This made Kuwabara collapse again in fresh paroxysms of laughter. Since Van was not killable at the moment, he only got another glare in passing as Hiei ran over to Kuwabara and started beating the stuffing out of him.

The Piper leaned over and hoisted a snarling Hiei off of Kuwabara by the scruff of his neck when the screaming started getting on his nerves. "Lemmego!" The little koorime snarled. "He's not dead yet!"

"I know." The Piper replied calmly. "We need him alive for the moment. Harlequin, if you would get rid of the mess, please..."

In a twinkling, all the pie goo was gone, except for the one cherry perched precariously on Hunter's head. Kurama reached up, retrieved it, and ate it. " _Hmm, not bad._ "

Hiei was still cursing and dangling from the Piper's grip while Yuusuke dug some band-aids and disinfectant out of his jacket pocket. Van picked up the pieces of the shattered sword. "A pity." He said quietly. "It was a good blade." He looked over at Hiei, who was glaring at him sullenly. "Sorry about this, but you should learn to keep a leash on that temper. One of these days it's going to get you into serious trouble."

Hiei growled and managed to kick the Piper in the elbow. Dropping to the ground, he walked over to Van and retrieved the bits. He sighed, holding up a piece. It had been a good sword. "Where am I going to get another?"

"It's behind your ear." The Harlequin said, grinning.

"What?"

"No, really, look." The Harlequin reached behind Hiei's ear and pulled a sword out of nowhere. "Ta-daaa!"

"It's made out of rubber, you stripey psycho." Hiei snapped.

"Whoops! Let's try again. Ta-daaa!"

"That's a fish!"

"It's a swordfish."

"Shut up!"

"Just one more time. Ta-daaa!"

This time it was a real sword; in fact, it was identical to Hiei's broken one.

"Now, that's more like it" Hiei said. "Hey! Where's the shards of my old one?"

The broken bits were gone. The Harlequin merely slitted his glowing topaz eyes and smiled. He then offered the sword to Hiei over his arm. "One shouldn't deprive a boy of his favorite toys." The 'Quin said, and ambled off in the direction of the Octopus-shaped landmark.

ooooo

They passed briefly through one more Land before crossing over to the Reikai, one that seemed to be entirely walls, gates, and suspicious sentries. After the first few times, our heroes stopped being polite to the guards and took direct action. The sentries were far too busy demanding identification, pink slips, passports, vouchers, height, weight, length, favorite food, and what color their underwear was to notice that the entire team was attacking them all at once.

ooooo

Koenma's study was a spacious one, and Botan was wearing a trench down the length of it with her constant pacing. Koenma himself sat at his desk, watching his viewscreen for any sign of the Spirit Detectives. George was wandering around the study, dusting and righting the furniture. There was a crackle in the air right above the desk and Norkie dropped through, landing with a small thud onto a stack of papers. He was soaked through and soapy, and very, very angry. "Whoa!" Koenma yelped. "How'd you get here? Stop that! You're getting the documents all soggy!"

"Queep!" Norkie retorted. "Queep queep queep _queep_ queep! _Thppbbbtt!_ " Norkie blew him a resonant raspberry and shook soapy water vigorously all over the desk, and then sat down on one of the more important papers, soaking it.

"Hey!" Koenma protested.

"Aaw, how cute!" George said, scooping up the dripping fuzzball and rubbing him dry with a clean rag.

"It looks like Yukina tried to give him a bath again." Botan giggled.

Koenma only harrumphed, blowing his dampened papers dry.

George, noticing that the Great Seal of the Reikai was hanging a little crookedly on the wall, handed Norkie to Botan and went to straighten it. As he did, he noticed a glittering mote appear on the wall right under the Seal. "Hey, Botan," He said, pointing to the mote. "What's this? ... Aaaieeee!"

The mote suddenly opened into a swirling blue maelstrom that took up the entire wall and swallowed the Seal. George dove under a table as the Piper led the others through the portal. Koenma stood frozen on his chair as the Piper stepped up to him. The huge red monster bent nearly double to look Koenma right in the eye. "Boo." He stated.

Koenma joined George under the table.

"Hi, Botan!" Yuusuke said cheerfully. "Did you miss us?"

Norkie had to bite her hand before she snapped out of her trance. "What? Oh, Yuusuke! Guys! You're safe!"

"No thanks to you." Hiei said.

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" Botan cried. "Koenma-sama said it was a matter of national security! The ways between worlds are all messed up!"

"We noticed." Kuwabara said, glaring at Koenma.

"This usually happens every hundred years or so." Koenma said, coming out from under the table. "It's far worse than it should be, though. Something is causing the disturbances to become even worse. If it goes on, nobody will be able to travel at all."

"So," Kuwabara said slowly. "You called us here to tell us about this problem, only to have us get lost because of it?! Why didn't you just tell Botan to tell us?"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time." Koenma said a little sheepishly.

"Aaargh!" Kuwabara shouted. "My boss is a screaming twit! Harlequin, would you pie him, please?"

 _Splat!_

"Thank you."

Koenma scraped a wad of whipped cream off of his face and glared at the God of Chaotic Silly, who grinned at him and turned into a floating technicolor donut.

"Let me guess." Yuusuke said. "You want us to find the perpetrator and pound him into mulch."

"Yes." Koenma replied, wiping his face with a handkerchief.

"With the Interspace pathways all screwed up."

"Yes."

"How?"

"Er."

"Hoy!" The Piper said. "Where is your father, sprat? I want to ask him if he knows that he has spawned an incompetent pansy."

"He probably does." Hiei said with a faint smile.

"Hey!" Koenma whined. "You're supposed to be on my side!"

"I'm on my side."

"That's telling him, Bully!" The Piper laughed.

"You betcha, Weenie!" Hiei said happily.

"Bully!"

"Weenie!"

"Bully!"

"Weenie!"

"Now, stop that!" Koenma shouted. "I am not an incompetent pansy, I'll have you know, and-"

" _YEEEEEeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhh!_ "

The scream of abject terror made them all look around. George was dangling helplessly upside down by one ankle from Hunter's fist. In his current position, George could see what was inside that hood... All little Oni children are told horror stories about faceless, shadowy monsters that laugh like meat grinders. Hunter was laughing softly now, and George was scared out of his socks. "HELP! Lord Koenma! Make it leggo! Help!" He wailed. " _Don't let it eat meeeee!_ "

"Oh, fer crying out loud." Van muttered. "Put it down, Hunter. Not food. Down."

Hunter's laughter died off with a soft snarl, and it let go. George landed on his head with a thump, rolled over, and scuttled whimpering out the door.

"How do you control that thing?" Koenma asked.

"It's a knack. Don't try it at home."

"They are easily housebroken, however," The floating technicolor donut said as it whizzed around the chandelier. "Leave 'em alone for half an hour and they break the house themselves!"

"Shut up." Everyone chorused.

"Where were we?" Yuusuke asked, rubbing his head. All this "Bully and Weenie" garbage was giving him a headache.

"We need some way to stop all this trouble with Interspace." Botan said firmly.

"Right." Koenma said, looking suspiciously at the Piper. "I can't even find the place where the disturbance is coming from, much less get you there."

"I can." Piper said, then turned to Hiei. "Hey, Beanpole, care to save the world with me?"

"Race you there, Small Stuff." Hiei replied.

It was Yuusuke's turn to hide under the table. "It doesn't wash!" He moaned. "It just doesn't."

Kuwabara didn't listen much, but he tended to catch the important bits of any given conversation. "Piper, you said you can get us there?"

"I can find out where the problem is." The Piper replied. "Getting there is another matter. We may have to ask Issola for help."

"I keep hearing that name." Kurama said. "Who's Issola?"

"My girlfriend and the other co-ruler of the Shattered Lands." The Piper said with pride. "Issola Stormtrigger is a dragon. A most marvellous woman! I only boss and defend the Lands. She keeps the waters running."

"That doesn't sound very important." Kuwabara said.

Piper looked at him as if he'd grown antlers. "When someone annoys me, I just slice a few bits off. When someone annoys Issola, she gives him a forty-year drought! How long can you go without a drink?"

"I get the idea."

"She brings rain, rivers, lakes, seas. Her voice summons the winds, her wings beat the air and spawn hurricanes. She raises a hand and they all stop. Peeve not the Storm-Caller!"

"Now who's waxing elephant?" The Harlequin said, climbing down off the drapes.

A trumpeting noise made them turn around. A hairless elephant in a string bikini waved its trunk at them.

"Now stop that!" The Piper sputtered. "Get that out of here!"

The Harlequin grinned at him and gestured mystically. The elephant disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke.

"Sorry." The Piper said, glaring at the 'Quin. "I got carried away. Anyhoo, she's a neat person, and she knows more about the inner workings of everything than I do."

"So, get on with it." Koenma commanded.

Piper turned to Botan. "Remind me to have a talk with his dad. If Koenma keeps on like this, someone's going to replace him with an eggplant, which might do a better job of running things."

Kuwabara had to stifle a chortle at that one as the Piper fanned his wings again, sounding the ether. "Crud." He muttered when he furled his wings again.

"What's the matter?" Yuusuke asked.

"The problem's coming from the Hub." Piper replied. "We're going to have to go through Oceanspace or Golganoth to get there."

"Hub?" Asked Koenma.

"Oceanspace?" Botan asked.

"Golganoth?!" Van said. "That _is_ bad."

"Huh?" Yuusuke said.

Piper sat down on his haunches and explained. "The Three Worlds- Ningenkai, Reikai, and Makai, are set in a triangle pattern around the Interspace Hub, with the Shattered Lands all floating around between them. The Hub is where all the Interspace pathways come together, like the center of a spiderweb. Issola sealed it off long ago to keep annoying supervillans out.

"Oceanspace is, well, it's hard to describe properly. Imagine all of outer space and combine it with the deep ocean. You get sharks hundreds of miles long, okay? Issola sealed that one off because not only was bloody dangerous, it could get you to the Hub.

"Golganoth is crazy. Time, space, and reality flow in tides there. The seas float, the lands glide, the people and animals are too weird to handle. The whole place is like a surrealist nightmare. Plus, that's where Hunter and its kind live. You can see why that one is sealed, too."

They all looked at the yellow-robed horror standing quietly near them.

"Yes, I think I can." Kurama said with a shudder. "I'll take my chances with the sharks."

"Same here!" Kuwabara said.

"Count me in." Yuuske chimed in, climbing out from under the table.

Hiei said nothing, but eyed Hunter speculatively. Before anyone could stop him, he leaped forward and stabbed Hunter through the chest with his sword. It didn't even notice that it had a sword sticking out of it until Van brought the blade to its attention. Hunter pulled the sword out and tossed it aside. "They don't feel pain or have internal organs, Hiei." Van said as Hiei retrieved his katana. "Swords don't work."

Hiei gave Hunter a sour look. "The wild ones hunt in packs?"

"Yes, and they don't care what you are, so long as they can kill you."

"Oceanspace then. Golganoth sucks."

"Fine with me." The Piper said. "Issola should be home at this hour. 'Quin, Van, you wanna come?"

"This situation's peaked my curiosity." Van said. "I have to stop somewhere to feed Hunter before he goes ballistic anyway. A cosmic creep should fit the bill admirably."

"I want to see how this turns out." The Harlequin said. "Besides, you may need me to curse someone again."

"Queep!" Norkie piped up, springing onto Kurama's shoulder. "Queep!"

"Fuzzball wants to come, too." Yuusuke said. "Why not? We couldn't have beaten Yashi without him."

The Piper shrugged and took them through Interspace to Issola's Keep.

The Great seal of the Reikai, back from wherever it had gone, rematerialized over the table and smashed it as it fell. "What a pack of weirdos." Koenma said, staring at the wreckage.

"They _are_ getting the job done, Koenma-sama." Botan said.

"True. Go find George and calm him down, would you? I can't concentrate when he's gibbering in terror."

"I'll get the tea."

ooooo

Issola's Keep was built on a heroic scale; a football field could fit with room to spare in the chamber they arrived in. "Roomy." Yuusuke said.

"Issola's a little claustrophobic." The Piper replied. "She likes to have room to stretch her wings. This way."

The Keep was built of white marble for the most part, with mosaics showing water scenes: Fish, sea-dragons, oceans, storms, hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis, islands, rivers, moonlit pools, et cetera. They followed the Piper down a labyrinth of halls before entering a room with an incredible apparatus. It looked like a cross between a water sculpture, a mutant church organ, and an out-of-control crystal growth. Sitting in front of it all was a huge, sky-blue dragon with luminous blue-green eyes. Around her neck was a simple golden circlet set with a blood-red stone. Images, thousands of them, hovered about her like mirages. She twisted a knob of crystal, and one of the images started to rain. "It's about time you got back here, Piper." She said softly over the rippling noises of the machine. "What have you been up to?"

"The usual." He replied. "Righting wrongs, bullying Enma's boy, rescuing those in need, saving the worlds, you get the idea."

She grunted in amusement and turned her wedge-shaped head away from the flickering images to get a good look at them. "I see that you're being serious about this kind of thing, for once. Van, Hunter, and Harlequin I already know. Who are these?"

"Yuusuke, Ma'am" Yuusuke introduced himself.

"I am the Great Kuwabara Kazuma- oof!" Hiei smacked Kuwabara in the stomach before he could bore Issola to death.

"I'm Kurama."

"Hiei."

"Queep!"

Issola smiled at Norkie, and then a slight frown crossed her face. She started sniffing the air. "I'd know that scent anywhere." She muttered. "Hiei, come here. Now."

Kurama threw a worried glance at Hiei as the puzzled fire demon stepped towards the Storm-Dragon. He didn't know much about his friend's past, but this was strange even for Hiei. To his relief, Issola wasn't interested in the Koorime. With extreme delicacy, she peeled the wrappings off of Hiei's arm with her meter-long claws. "Thought so." She said triumphantly, peering at his tattoo. "I don't care if you're seeking redemption on a hero's arm, Kemuri. You still owe me twenty bars of gold."

"What?" Hiei said.

"Your Dragon. His name is Kemuri, and he made a bet with me once on the outcome of a chocobo race. I won the bet. It's been several centuries now, and he still hasn't paid up."

"What's a chocobo?"

"A bit like an ostrich, a bit like a parrot. Think giant racing canary." She then noticed Kurama's expression. "No, Kurama, I will not eat your lover." She said, lowering her voice.

Kurama blushed bright red. "Er-"

"Don't give me that." She murmured, just loud enough for the two yokai to hear. "You both have each other's scents all over you. I am a large carnivore, boys. The nose knows. Get on with it, and soon. I want to see the children."

Hiei's blush rivalled Kurama's. "This is almost as bad as Lillias' letters!" Hiei moaned.

"It should be. Lil's my cousin."

"(whimper!)"

Issola raised her head to speak with the others. "You all wouldn't come here unless there was a very good reason. "What's going on that you need my help?"

As the Piper explained their situation, Yuusuke sidled over to Kurama and Hiei. "What was that all about?" He whispered.

"None of your godsdamned business." They said in unison.

"In short, Issola, we need you to open the seal on Oceanspace." Piper said as Yuusuke scuttled out of Hiei's blast radius. "We need to get to the Hub before it crumps."

She raised an eyebrow. "You are aware of the dangers, of course."

"We've got a better chance in Oceanspace than we would through Golganoth."

"You do have a point." Issola turned to her machine and flipped a couple of switches. A circular door opened up in the far wall, revealing a swirling blue vortex. "Be careful, Piper. You can be a handful at times, but you're fun to be around. That goes for the rest of you as well. Fortune follow you!"

ooooo

The Piper had not done justice to Oceanspace with his brief description. They cantered along on a highway of green sparkling crystal that branched and rebranched in a shining web under and over and through the most spectacular starscape in existence. Nebulae rippled like the northern lights through the velvet black of space, and millions of stars shone like diamonds, hard and bright. The slowly-expanding rings of a supernova wavered somewhere far away in the darkness, and a black hole trailed invisibly through the hub of a galaxy off to the left. There was a soft roaring sound, either from distant surf or from uncountable star-flames. The Spirit Detectives gasped in awe as a manta ray that was big enough to build a large city on sailed by. They were inspected briefly by a pearly jellyfish the size of an office building, but it was swept away in the wake of a pod of dolphins that defied the imagination with their size and grace. "We won't be bothered by sharks, at least." Van said as the staticky chatter of the mega-cetaceans filled the air around them. "They hate dolphins and won't go anywhere near them."

They may not have had to fear the sharks, but another problem manifested itself just as they neared the final Interspace point. "Heads up!" The Harlequin shouted, throwing a fast fireball. "Piranhas!"

"I thought those were river fish!" Kurama shouted, slashing out with his Rose Whip at the massacre of hungry eating machines.

"You tell them that!" Yuusuke snapped, pointing one finger at the swarm. "Rei Gun!"

Fish bits flew as the beam of spiritual energy slammed into a group of them. Piranhas don't care that much about each other, however, so they closed in undaunted. Everybody drew weapons and began playing sushi-master. All this commotion got Hunter's attention, and it leaped right into the middle of the massacre, laughing. The fish, each the size of a minivan, attacked Hunter instantly, tearing at the blood-crazed monster with teeth like bear traps. Hunter didn't care, and it tore into the piranhas like a chainsaw. The Piper was swinging his four long swords with gusto, his whiplash tail ripping chunks out of their attackers. Every so often he would open his mouth wide, and two jets of purplish venom would spurt out and burn gaping holes in the fish. Van and the Harlequin danced macabre through the crush, creating massive carnage with their blades, fireballs, and a thin ruby laser beam that shot out of Van's single eye. Yuusuke blasted fish to pieces, Kurama whipped chunks off, Hiei and Kuwabara fought back-to-back for once, slicing away. They fought until the last piranha went down, and then stood there, lungs heaving.

"Right." The Piper gasped as soon as he had caught his breath. "Let's get rolling before the scavengers come for the leftovers. Oh, for the love of- Van, what's with Hunter?"

The mighty Hunter, terror of the Shattered Lands, nightmare of the Makai, was staggering around in circles and giggling unevenly. As they watched, Hunter keeled over backwards in the carnage. "Woop!" It said. "Nark!"

"It overate." Van sighed disgustedly. "Wonderful."

Van strode over and hauled it to its feet. Yuusuke and the others followed, finally able to see just what Hunter actually looked like, for the fish had chewed the poncho to shreds. It was mottled black and grey and seemed strangely unfinished; the body, although clearly strongly built, was oddly flat. The muscles were vague, and it really didn't have a face- just a smooth blank space on the front of its head. It was humanoid enough to have five fingers, but only two toes on each foot. A helmet of something that was probably grey-black bone or horn covered the rest of its head. It looked rather like a member of some secret terrorist agency, although at the moment, a drunken one. Hunter giggled again, leaning heavily on Van's shoulder.

"Queep." Norkie commented from inside Kuwabara's jacket. "Feh."

"Overate?" Yuusuke said.

"I guess that piranhas are evil by nature." Van said absently, then turned to Yuusuke "Yes, it overate. They feed on death energies, remember. When they absorb too much, they get drunk, act silly, and are almost totally useless for anything else for some time afterward."

Kuwabara looked with some distaste at Hunter. "How can they be of any use when they're like this?"

"Comic relief, paperweights, door stops, speed bumps, that sort of thing. Now let's go; there's a great big catfish and several crabs coming this way."

They left in a big hurry. They found the Interspace point just under an overhang. A blue flash later sent them to a place of cat's-cradle confusion.

There was no gravity in the Hub, so the absence of surface didn't matter. The Piper's wings snapped open instinctively anyway as the myriad worlds, shown in abstract here, shifted color and texture smoothly. The Piper's description of the Hub as a spider's web was very accurate. Spiralling lines of silver and blue-purple connected the three main worlds together around a blazing rainbow center vortex that coruscated up and down all visible color spectrums, while the Shattered Lands floated like shards of strange glass in a wide ring around the worlds, fine threads connecting them all together. The music of the spheres washed over them in a crescendo of harmony. It was more than beautiful. It was excellence.

"It's incredible." Breathed Kurama. "This is what the worlds look like from the outside?"

"Yes." Piper replied simply.

"It doesn't look as though anything's wrong." Kuwabara said.

"We're probably on the wrong side." Van said. "Piper, Harlequin, if you two would tow us over there, please..." He pointed away across the gleaming web.

Wings do come in handy, sometimes. As they travelled to the far side of the Hub, they became aware of a discord in the music, and the threads took on a crumpled, tangled look. Some threads had frayed, and others had snapped. "Over there!" Hiei said, pointing to a knot in the spiral, right up near the core.

Ready for anything, our heroes headed for the tangled place. They landed on a thick cable of Interspace, weapons drawn, auras flaring, only to stop and stare in utter disbelief. The thing that had caused so much pain, so much panic, so much trouble for everybody was nothing more than a great big-

"An artichoke?!" Kuwabara said, unable to believe his eyes.

Yes, an artichoke. It was a very large artichoke, however, about the size of a cadillac. It had floated aimlessly into this area from the vague places in the Shattered Lands, and it was now badly tangled up in the Interspace lines, cramping the whole delicately balanced system.

"Harlequin, is this one of your tricks?" The Piper said testily.

"No, no!" The 'Quin replied hastily, warding off the angry glares with a small cross. "This is the Artichoke of Doom. Mine's the Artichoke of Massive Uncertanity."

"An Artichoke of Massive Uncertanity." Kurama said flatly.

"Yeah, I created it last week. I got bored after I finished waxing my elephant."

"Hoy." Yuusuke said, covering his face with his hands.

"Thbbbt." Norkie blew a raspberry.

"What's an artichoke?" Hiei asked.

"A member of the thistle family." Van said, hoisting a suddenly limp Hunter over one shoulder. "I wouldn't know personally, but I've heard that they are very nice boiled lightly with lots of melted butter, or sometimes stripped of their leaves and pickled."

At that, they looked thoughtfully at the giant vegetable. None of them, with the exception of Hunter, had had any lunch or dinner that day.

"Hey, Piper," Kuwabara said. "Are there any Shattered Lands with boiling lakes and lots of melted butter?"

"Two." Was the prompt answer.

Without further ado, they got down to the task of untangling the vegetable from the cords. It took them nearly half an hour because Interspace was slippery from the outside, and Hunter kept getting tangled up. Van finally had to stuff it between a couple of cables so it wouldn't cause any more damage.

They finally managed to get the artichoke free, and as they watched, the threads that connected the worlds strengthened and began repairing themselves. "Bully, I believe that our job here is done." The Piper said, proudly.

"Yes indeed, Weenie." Hiei replied from the possessive circle of Kurama's arms.

Yuusuke banged his head on the artichoke a few times, but it didn't help much.

ooooo

Some time later, they sat near the edge of a roiling hotspring, dipping chunks of surprisingly tasty artichoke in large bowls of melted butter. Piles of demolished leaves littered the ground where they sat, and all of them were smeared with green stuff and feeling much better.

"You know, of course, that all this is hideously wrong." Yuusuke said, swishing a lump of stem around in his bowl. "This 'choke shoulda been a hideous demon or something, and we should be exhausted from trashing his scaly butt."

The Piper burped resonantly and grinned. "Heck with that. I rather like it when your enemy is edible."

"Shuddup, you weenie." Hiei growled around a mouthful of artichoke.

"Eat spam and barf, Bully."

"You first, Weenie."

"That's enough!" Yuusuke roared, and then he threw his bowl and several chunks of 'choke at them.

This started a massive food fight, naturally. Van, who had wandered off and was trying to teach his still-tipsy Hunter how to play fetch, watched them with some amusement while Norkie fought Hunter for possession of the stick. When it was over, the artichoke, or rather, what was left of it, was mulch and the food fighters were thoroughly smeared with green gunk.

"Bleah." Yuusuke muttered, trying to scoop the stuff out of the back of his shirt where some twit had shoved a glop down his collar. "Hey, 'Quin, could we stop off at that island of yours again? We all need a clean-up."

"Yeah, could we? I'd like to bring a coconut back for Yukina." Kuwabara said happily.

"And maybe play that game again." Kurama murmured, throwing a sultry glance in Hiei's direction.

"Stupid fox." He grunted, more out of habit than anything else.

"I don't see why not." The Harlequin said. "Hey, Van! Wanna come?"

"No thanks." Van said. "Beaches don't hold that much attraction for either me or Hunter. I can make my way from here just fine, and besides, I need to get this faceless twit somewhere that has no easily breakable things, such as cities. It's going to sober up pretty soon, and the hangovers these things get are impressive in their scope and intensity."

"Hah! Right. See you later, Van."

They said their goodbyes and left for the warm sand and seawater of Harlequin's Island.

ooooo

The Piper turned out to be a strong swimmer, and adept at the art of sand-castle construction, although the Harlequin insisted on populating the castle with small crabs. When asked why, he replied that crabs were what you generally found in castles, in one fashion or another. Yuusuke stuffed a handful of sand down his cape for that one.

They did get to play Hunt-the-Coconut again, and Kuwabara stocked several nice ones by to take home with him, and he managed to annoy Hiei considerably when he fantasized about how he and Yukina would share them together. Kurama headed off a potentially hazardous situation by dragging Hiei off to see a lovely little cove that he'd discovered the last time they were here.

The Sun set with a display even more spectacular than last time, and our weary heroes curled up to sleep, although with rather more forethought this time around. Waking up with your shorts full of sandflies or hermit crabs is not an experience that bears repeating.

In the morning, they went their separate ways after saying goodbye. In the Piper's case, this took some time, as he swept everybody into a huge, four-armed hug before leaving. "Keep an eye out for me in the future," He said as he stepped into an Interspace portal. "I may come to visit. I haven't been to the Ningenkai for just ages."

"Oh, whoopie." Yuusuke muttered, thinking of the panic that the Piper would cause just by walking down the street.

ooooo

The Harlequin dropped them off home, sprinkled them with confetti for old time's sake, and sprinted off into the sky, as he had a block party to oversee. Yuusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama, Hiei, and Norkie went home from there, glad that all this was over.

Yukina was absolutely thrilled about the coconuts, much to Kuwabara's delight.

The End


End file.
